I know that most of you come here to learn about sewing related things or to download my free designs. And I am so glad you come. Would you allow me tonight to talk to you just a little about my precious grandson, Siddiq? He and I have had a rough week and I think I have learned some things that might be of help to some of you, too, I hope.
You see, Siddiq has Asperger’s – a high-functioning form of autism. He struggles with a mind that gets overstimulated by everyday occurrences and has little emotional resources to cope with the stresses of daily living. As a result, he has “Aspie meltdowns”. Sometimes we can see a meltdown coming and can manipulate the environment in a way that the outburst is less likely to occur. Sometimes we are too busy to notice. This week, I was too busy taking care of his younger sisters, my home, our daughter’s home etc. and didn’t see it come. He got so frustrated and angry and overwhelmed that he grabbed a tripod and smashed it into the glass door on our rather expensive entertainment center. My verbal responses were not what I had hoped they would be and I know the Lord wasn’t pleased either. After I let go of my upset, I just broke down and cried, and then I cried some more. I wanted to go and resign somewhere. Isn’t there a book with the title “Where can I go to resign as a mother?” – well, make that grandma. I am ashamed to admit, I didn’t want to be his grandma anymore. I felt hurt emotionally, terrified that he might have hurt his sisters, if they had just been a little closer, upset that yet one more piece of my house had been destroyed by him and his anger. But frustration was my overwhelming feeling as well. It certainly brought me to my knees before the Lord. I prayed that the Lord would give me wisdom to understand this child, a love that would be greater than my material belongings all put together. And the Lord did just that. After a good night’s sleep, I felt a sense of peace from the Lord and a deep compassion for our grandson. Then I began to read a book that Siddiq’s Mom had left out for me to read: “Parenting Your Asperger Child” by Alan Sohn. I am not done with reading the book, but it has already created an awareness in me that our grandson has a far worse situation than either we, his grandparents, or his Mom face. He lives in constant anxiety and any change or unpredicted happening sets him off course. The book gives very practical hints on individualized solutions for teaching your child practical coping skills. I am determined to finish this book soon.
One of the things that my daughter has instituted right away, is providing more structure. Siddiq is almost 8 and he is used to the structure of school. That of course is missing during summer break. I am a 61 yr old grandma who is trying to manage taking care of three little children while their Mom works as a nurse. I am not a very structured person, rather, I like to do things “on the spur of the moment” and feel rather “caged in” when I am tied down to a schedule. But I am realizing that to help Siddiq I must provide structure for his day. His Mom has made up cards that get placed on the front of a kitchen appliance door that tell Siddiq what time it is, not in hours and minutes, but in activity. So, we have breakfast, lunch, supper cards (with pictures depicting the activity), free time, play outside, crafts time etc. cards and somehow he really likes that. We also have started a rewards card – stickers get placed on there for good behaviors and with a certain number of stickers he gets a prize, with even more stickers he gets a date out with Mom. It really has made a difference in the last couple of days and I hope it will stay that way.
I don’t want you to think that Siddiq is nothing but a keg of dynamite ready to explode any time. We share many special moments – he loves animals, flowers, science – oh how he loves anything science related! and he is so bright and often generous. And he is forever dreaming up tomorrow’s latest invention. Someday, I am sure he will invent something important and we’ll all be happy to have been a part of his life and his upbringing. Until then, we need lots of prayer, guidance through good books, and people who understand that not all children who act out are just “misbehaved” and poorly disciplined at home. Thanks for letting me share my joy and my pain of this last week.
Thanks for sharing Mom, very well written.. Love you, and thank you for all you do everyday. I couldn’t make it without you! ((((hugs)))) I am sorry it is so hard for you at times.. Wish I could make it easier..
Kristy
Thank you for your story. I have a nephew who is a high-functioning austic child (well actually young man as he is almost 11). Matthew is a very brillant, caring boy. A real joy to his family, even with times of melt-downs. Which with a lot of work and patience on the part of my sister and parents (who live next door), these are becoming much less frequent.
Matthew is a real blessing to all around him. I just wish I could live closer to him, but as a miltary family, we are often living many many miles away.
Matthew’s passion is trains and math. And he absolutely loves to read.
So hang in there Grandma- God will see all of you through the hard times. There are unlimited blessings ahead.
Rebeka, your post brought tears to my eyes. We really needed those words of encouragement today. Thank you!!!
and God bless.
My heart goes out to you and your family. You must know that God does not given more than we can handle. All things work together for good according to His will.
I was a foster mom for a number of years. It was not easy many times and we were sent the kids that no one else wanted. I can tell you I learn more than the kids we had. When it gets to be to much, look up for that is when God says you can’t, But I can. Because of Jesus,
JoAnn, thanks for that comment. Yes, we do receive our daily and minute by minute strength from HIM. Without HIM we could not be doing this at all. This past week has been a good one for us and especially me since I do watch the children all day when our daughter goes to work. God is still in the business of answering prayers! 🙂
I hope you don’t mind me butting in, please don’t beat yourself up over this, I work in a College in England with students with Aspergers, ADHD plus many more conditions. As you can imagine every day can be a time bomb waiting to go off. We have a “chill out” room where students can go to cool off for 5-10 minutes if they need to (by choice or by order). A structured day is a must (including breaks and mealtimes) and any changes are warned of in advance with reminders and explanations as to why the changes are occurring. There of course will be times when this isn’t possible and that is what life is like so we do our best to keep the student calm (whatever that takes comes with knowing the student). Tasks are broken down into small manageable chunks with clear, simple instructions, don’t keep changing them or give too much information. Aspies are very literal so we choose our words very carefully to avoid confusion. Body language and tone of voice is usually alien to Aspies so don’t expect that to work. To stop unacceptable behaviour as a warning we use a red card system or some other agreed sign and 5 minutes out of the room or another sanction. We find that some students can’t handle the noise or commotion within the groups even though we keep the numbers small, the chill out room or a short break often diffuses the situation. It isn’t all doom and gloom – I believe Einstein was an Aspie – some are very talented musically, artistically or mathematically – we even had a student who liked to file documents (what joy to our office administrator!). Your grandson’s love of science and nature could be your distraction/diffusion/reward tactic. I know your faith will give you strength and support. I’ll look out for Siddiq’s name in the future on an important new discovery. I’ll be thinking of you when I return to work in 2 weeks time, apparently we have many more Aspies this year than last.
Brenda, thanks for those encouraging words. You are so right, it’s not all doom and gloom. There are many joyous moments as well and, thank God, those desperate days are infrequent and seem to be occurring less often. I admire your willingness to work with more than one Aspie! May God bless you as you return to your important work. Thanks so much for writing. Monika
We were concerned when my little granddaughter was more behind than others her age. We were terrified when she began losing skills and became nothing like others her age. We took her in to the Pediatrician for answers. Yesterday we got them. The specialists all concur: my nearly-two granddaughter is Autistic.
We love her for herself, but the diagnosis is both a heartbreak and a relief. A heartbreak because she will have to struggle. A relief because now that we know what is going on, we can begin a plan of action to help her reach the heights of her potential.
Thank you for sharing about your grandson. He is blessed to have an Oma who loves him as much as you obviously do!
Please know that my heart goes out to you and your family. While it is a heart breaker to find out an autistic child’s diagnosis, it also is, as you state, a relief. We and our grandson have changed a lot since we know what’s “wrong” and we don’t place unreasonable expectations on him and us, but do expect him to live up to his potential. May God give you and your granddaughter’s parents wisdom, patience, and an extra dose of love. If you ever want to talk some more about this, feel free to email me (mtocknell@ameritech.net) and I’ll be glad to talk more to you.
There is light ahead. My nephew is an Aspie. He is now 30, married with a child. He is functioning as a “normal” adult. It’s been a struggle, but he went through the normal teenage development in his early twenties, and has learned to understand (and use) emotions and nonverbal communication. With God, all things are possible.
Cynthia, thank you for that encouragement. There are days and weeks when he functions very well and
then there are others…. The Lord is there with us through it all and He is helping him and us.
We are thankful. Right now he is very much into fishing and nature. He LOVES frogs, turtles, fish.
He catches them and then releases them after having watched them for a while.
Thanks for commenting and thanks for visiting Oma’s.
It’s a struggle to know what to say. I feel so blessed with my children! As a mother to three in their thirties, I remember the struggles with my oldest son who I was told by a doctor that he had ADD. Of course back then, the pschycologist just said he had a problem with a very short attention span but tested at genius level in other areas. My faith in God overcame me–no other way to put it- I saw it as a battle of my faith. Matt is now 34, handsome, unmarried bachelor living on his own. He is still unique and struggles with his emotions and self doubt, but has a faith in Christ and wisdom that outshines men twice his age. He does free lance photography besides his regular job–has won prizes and his work has been a sports magazine twice. He’s still a challenge at times but a wonderful human. I look back and I’ve forgotten how difficult the struggle was till I read this. Like you, God taught me more in those years….. Rachel
Rachel, there are many good days and then there are those that stretch us all,
including my grandson. Reading what you are saying about your son, I wonder
whether he could have Asperger’s? Photography is one of the thngs that
Aspies like to “get into” and do well at. Trains are another, so are maps and
natural sciences. Like everything in life, I am sure it’s meant to help us grow
closer to God. Thanks for visiting Oma’s Place and for writing. Monika
Thanks for sharing this! I raised an Aspie too – he’s 30 now and doing great, in his own way. Sounds like God knew what he was doing when he put Siddiq in your hands. Interesting how we never get too old to learn something new, eh? 🙂
Catherine